For Who You Used To Be
by Starflow
Summary: First ever FxK, a dark angst rant. Abuse and graphic yaoi - hence, the M. As usual, I wrote a relationship analysis fic really, this is Kamui pov. So R & R please, I need to know if it sucks. One-shot.


Origin: X 1999, some Tokyo Babylon references.

Disclaimer: X and Tokyo Babylon do not belong to me. If you think I came up with them, I commend you on your ignorance – they're both CLAMP's work. I'm just a fanfic author like everyone else.

Genre: Angst romance. Abuse. This is not a fluffy fic, simply cruel.

Rating: I finally ended up giving it an R... Might be overreacting, but I personally think that somewhat graphic yaoi and abuse (molesting) belong in the R category.

Author's notes and summary: Well, here we are. I finally broke a promise to myself and wrote a cruel little FxK fic. I'd originally decided that I would not do this, because I don't really like abusive sex scenes. Still, I eventually had to give it a try. One crazy ride it was... Well I hope the fic is okay. Never done this before. So it's a first-person view angst rant, really, from within that desperate uke we know as Kamui, about his relationship to Fuuma. Takes place somewhere during X – after Kotori's death and before Saiki's. Read and review it if you would, and please enjoy if you're into FxK yaoi. Because there is a lot of it here. You might even consider this smutty, as well as violent. But it's mostly just me practising a bit... I need feedback, so here we go!

-For Who You Used To Be-

by Starflow

-

What is it about you? Why does it hurt so much, thinking about you and me, or the item 'us' which no longer exists?

In my reflection I see you. You, smiling... Smiling and seeming so incredibly vulnerable. You as a gentle person. Your uniform, similar to mine, was always clean and straight. Tall and majestic, yet playful and brotherly. You always bore that caring look in your eyes – even when I told you not to interfere. I could always fall, but you were there to catch me. You wanted to protect me, you said that yourself. As I protected her. The three of us used to play together as children. Two remain, you and me, or maybe it's just me. Refusing to believe you to be gone.

Sadness roaming freely in my heart, covering all of my other feelings. I can no longer be angry either, for my self-dislike is greater than any anger I could feel for you. My hair gets in my eyes and the stingy sensation makes my eyes wet. It's ironic that I'm crying due to the fact that my hair is in my eyes and nothing else. With nobody else present, I can wallow in my self-hatred.

This water running over my fingers is cold. Silently watching my fingers freeze and cramp, I stand still. It's a surreal sound, the sound of water disappearing into the vent. Eventually the water will stop running, I know that. I just stand here by myself, with no one else in sight. You'd think that more people visit these public restrooms during the brightest hours of the day. Maybe it's silence that I was looking for, instead of a place to wash my hands like I thought.

You must have seen me go in here. I am certain that I saw you outside in the crowd – maybe that was the reason why I sent my friend home, saying I needed to wash my hands. Not wanting him to see me in the situation meeting you eventually leads to.

The water stops falling onto my white fingers. Slowly, I move my hands up to my forehead, in order to brush my hair back. Cold water dripping on my face... I look myself in the eye and see nothing but desperation. When did I become so tired, so submissive?

"When you first surrendered to me", is your answer. I never asked anything aloud, but I'm used to your sudden witty answers. You are standing there with your hands behind your back, and there isn't a single sign of kindness to be seen.

"How long have you been there?" Even my own voice sounds strange to me. I've lost my will to fight.

"Long enough", you smirk, and those evil eyes of yours flash red. Capturing mine. All I can do is stare at you, as you push me against the wall and your fingers squeeze my wrists so hard it hurts. "If I didn't know better, I'd say you were waiting for me here, instead of facing me outside."

I find myself unable to speak. Paralysis spreading from the spot where your grip blocks my veins, until it reaches my face too. An empty look of not caring... I see it reflected in the mirrors on the wall. Your eyes wander my face. With an evil smile on your face, you seem to come up with something.

"What is it this time?" is all I'm able to mutter. You release my hands, grasping my chin and throat instead. Your towering figure, bowing down above me, reminds me of who you used to be. Finally I feel real, salty tears emerging in my eyes as you hold my face so that I have to look at you.

"You pick the place", I hear you say. The way your voice is ringing makes me sick. "Here would be fine by me."

"If you break mirrors, you'll get seven years of bad luck."

You laugh. It might be a sign for me to relax, but I know you too well to be that delusional. Moving a little closer to me, you force me against a large and dirty-looking mirror. You suddenly lift your knee to softly kick my lungs empty.

Gasping for air, coughing, I wheeze to you:

"...Not here..."

"Pick the place, fast, or I might have to get rough with you."

Not even bothering to remind you that you're already being rough, I point at the closet in the corner. I have no idea how firm its walls are, or if it has a lock on the door, but it's the only possibility. You stop harassing me and grab me by the arm. Turning to look at the mentioned closet, you seem to be considering the idea. My breath is wheezing and small dots of rainbow colours dance around in my eyes.

"Come on, then..." you laugh and pull me after you, across the room. I feel some kind of relief flowing through me, at least I can stop imagining your sadism combined with mirror shards. I won't have to worry about explaining any cuts to anyone. As you push me through the door, and my head hits the wall, I hear someone coming into the room.

"It seems that we have company", you smirk.

"Please, please lock the door", is all I am able to get out. As your smile widens, I know you have no intention of letting me order you around. I have to try again. There's someone moving around just a few steps away. "Fuuma... No, Fuuma-sama, please, please lock the door..." The rest of my plea turns into a suffocated scream as you silence me with a kiss. Or your idea of a kiss – forcing my mouth open and sticking your tongue down my throat might count as a kiss, whereas biting my lips to bloody shreds might not. Much to my surprise, you do lock the door with your right hand. The left one is strangling me.

"You know, Kamui, when I remove this hand I expect to hear your clear voice", you laugh, finally taking your mouth off mine. The blood I have in my mouth prevents me from saying anything in reply. You slowly lick your lips clean. "And I expect to hear it loud and screaming soon enough."

Violently you spin me around. With no care whatsoever you hit my forehead against the wall. The fingers on my throat are still strangling me and in a way I hope they would stay that way. I can't help shivering slightly, as you tell me to take my uniform off.

"It's a bit difficult in this position", I cough, and you answer me in an amused way:

"Do as I say or you might get hurt."

You hold my head against the wall with one hand, while the other one still remains around my throat. I know there is nothing which would turn you on more than submitting, but there's also nothing I can do but comply. My fingers trembling and slow, I unbutton my uniform and shirt, taking them off. You're standing behind me, very close. It feels disgusting to have your heartbeat against my bare back. My body flinches.

Stalling for time, I ask you while trying to get my trousers off:

"Don't you have any evil plans to finish?"

"Everything is on hold until I'm done here", you answer, loosening your grip of my throat. I feel your teeth biting into my shoulder and I yelp. Pleased, you pull my head back, twisting my neck, and you press your lips on mine again. I squirm, but you hold me still. It hurts, a lot. I still haven't gotten my trousers off, and I can taste the iron of blood. Eventually you break it off, saying: "Get undressed."

"Yes", I cough, trying to get the blood out of my mouth, facing the wall. You slam my face properly against it, I cry out in pain. Hurried, I get back to undoing my zipper. Tracing the line of my spine with your lips, you move your hand from my throat. Sliding your finger across my chest.

"Feel free to scream", you smirk, extremely pleased with my compliance. On that note, you press your nails against my skin and through it so that I'm starting to bleed.

Silently whining and biting my already broken lip, I kick the rest of my clothing off.

For what seems like an eternity, you keep moving your lips around on my skin. The position in which we are standing is awkward, uncomfortable, painful. You take your time, enjoying the sensation of power. Slowly your strong and experienced fingers keep drawing lines on me. Your lips remind me of that one time, long ago. I feel tears dripping down my face. Eventually, sweat too. After this prolonged moment, I feel it. My body is responding to you. Ignoring the immense pain of your teeth cutting my skin, I tremble at the touch of your hands on my chest. My breath is getting faster, my heart picking up the pace. My battered face flushes red as you move your hands lower. A silent gasp by me is enough to cause you to laugh. Against my back presses your body – you still have most of your clothes on.

"Well", I hear you whispering in my ear. I feel your tongue against it. "Say, Kamui... Do you want me to go further?"

I feel helpless. Helpless, excited, embarrassed... I'm painfully aware of the fact that you're aroused and ready. Your fingers are lingering below my waistline. One of them on my inner thigh, the other one...

"Yes", I wheeze. On that moment you move your hand from my inner leg, sliding your fingers up until I let out a faint groan.

You laugh. A part of me dies along with some innocence, as I give in. Once again. I let go of myself, surrendering to you, even if it hurts and even if you do it on purpose. My mind goes blank, even the pain can't affect me. Clinging to the walls, spasmodically scratching it with my nails... I hear myself screaming at some point, you laughing... Nothing matters.

-

I open my eyes. Slowly, carefully I try to move my neck. A blinding kind of pain flashes across my vision, like different shades of red. There's blood on my skin, everywhere. Small cuts bleeding.

Looking around me I battle my own aching body. It seems that I am alone. Silently picking up my clothes and pulling them back on, I try not to think about what I could say to my friends. My whole body is striped with blood and my lips are swollen, and the bruises on my face are large. I button my shirt up. Those small cuts bleeding cause the white shirt to become soiled with blood. Pulling my jacket on I stumble out of the closet and straight to the sink.

The cold water feels soothing. My face hurts, yet I hardly feel it. My shaking fingers wash the blood off.

"Is everything in order?"

Turning to face the middle-aged salaryman I force a smile onto my face. It must look horrible, this grin of mine. I tell him nothing is wrong and that it's kind of him to ask. He looks after me as I run out of the restroom. In the street I encounter a faceless mass of people. I see around and feel a seal being lifted on my heart. You're not here.

Relaxing a little I can walk home. Nothing is as awkward as people staring. Everyone has a theory about me, I'm sure. Maybe he got mugged. Maybe he got into a fight. Maybe somebody raped him.

"Kamui!"

I turn around. Oh, dear lord, not him. Not you.

"Subaru..." my voice has a cold tone to it. I'm terrified. There is no way to hide my face, or my distorted uniform. You look at me with your amazing emerald eyes and see right through me. No excuse would do. You understand it already, I see it in the way your glance darkens. "Don't say anything."

You do just that. Offering me your helping hand you walk me back to my apartment. You don't say a word, but I see in your eyes that you don't approve of my silence. There is no limit to the worry you seem to harbour for me. If only we lived in a different world. A different kind of space and time. You would not have to worry for me.

"Will you be okay?"

"Yeah", I nod, turning to face you. Your white coat, sullied with the light of the day, is shining faintly in the shady doorway. For some reason I stop to think about whether or not you really know what I'm going through. You have secrets of your own, pain and love to bear, but you never talk of them. The physical pain I feel right now is nothing compared to my bleeding heart – but where is your pain, Subaru? Where is it, and what is it like?

"You really should do something about him", you say all of a sudden. You're leaning your head to the left and rubbing the back of your right hand. "He's going to end up disabling you one day."

I shake my head and give a tired laugh. There's blood in my mouth again, I swallow it and face up to answer you with a question:

"Subaru... What do you think about love?"

"About...love?"

A twisted smile appears on your lips. It disappears almost immediately, leaving me in suspicion. You sigh and refuse to look me in the eye anymore. Your glance is directed at the wall and something about your voice saddens me even more.

"Someone once said to me..." falling silent, you hesitate. It seems that this was long ago. "That love isn't enough. I asked him why it exists, if it is indeed useless."

"And what did he say?"

You bury your face in one hand, balling the other to a fist. Silently, you quote:

"'Because we're lonely. As long as we can love, we can dream. Human beings aren't strong enough to live without their dreams.'"

On that note you leave me alone. Without even bidding me farewell, you walk off. I am left behind, silenced by your words. Or someone else's.

I get inside. It's a cold, lonely flat – yet nothing compared to the one you live in, Subaru. I throw myself onto the bed and let the tears come. Taking my uniform off once more, I cry in my solitude.

"Fuuma", I wheeze to myself. It's dark already and my flat is cold. I have no idea how long I spent alone in that closet after you had had your fun and finally left me alone. My lean body lying on the bed is sore and the dry blood everywhere makes me feel filthy. I feel empty and disgraceful, dirty, sinful. Hating you would be one thing, hating myself is another. It's not rape – you always make me consent to it, and not only that. You make me enjoy myself. Evil, orgasmic and dirty sort of enjoyment... And still I willingly seek you out, then hiding in my fear, trying to resist. The outcome is the same. I have no self-control.

Shivering, I recall the way I gave in. I recall screaming and hurting, yet I also recall feeling good. The pleasure of having you there outweighs any pain. Behind me, close to me, inside me. I remember your pulse and the way you breathe. It still makes me sick to my stomach. No matter how much you cut me, hit me or make me scream, the mere thought of you takes me there, every time. There was once a time when you would have embraced me afterwards. A time when kissing you would have been enjoyable.

In my head the silent sound of memories crying rings. I lie still, listening to my sanity leaving my head. My heart is weeping in its suffering. I cannot sleep, I will not. And inside me, the flames of hatred scorch my soul.

-

Even if it hurts, it's inevitably there. The love for you.

"I said come with me", you spit, turning to look at me. I hesitate, still standing in the middle of the hallway. People everywhere around us are hastily asking each other why there is such a dramatic atmosphere. The subway station... My face is bruised, having only healed a very little since our last encounter only a few days ago.

"Where are you suggesting me to go with you?"

"To Tokyo Disneyland", your answer hurts my ears, as you walk up to me and grab me by the arm. You drag me out of the underground and to the street. There, you stop and shove me against a nearby wall. "What do you think you're playing at? If you don't want me to get angry with you, you really should think about who calls the shots."

I stare at you. Those cold, evil eyes of yours... They're enticing my soul and making me sick. Your tall figure, I used to admire it so much. I still do, but it is different now. Everything is different. My love for you remains, twisting my love into a need to please you. As your branded property.

"I apologise. Where did you want to take me?"

You laugh. Bowing lower to bite my ear you say:

"That is quite the question. Here would be fine. But I was thinking about asking you over."

A silence follows. I stand before you in great awe. You bury one hand into my hair and pull me upwards, as your other hand finds its way down through my collar, inside my jacket and shirt. You stop it on the spot where my heart is.

"We're in public." I know I have a look of desperate begging on my face. By looking deeper into your eyes, I try to tell your real self that I am troubled.

"We usually are", you say, smirking. I swallow and you pull your hand back, then straighten my clothing. A gesture of nobility. The master grants one wish to his slave. "If you come with me, I swear not to do anything before we're there."

"Can you just take me to your companions like that? Wouldn't they try to take me out?"

"My underlings would never disobey me." You take it my answer is yes, and start pulling me after you along the street. At the corner you blindfold me. Even if we don't really have secrets, and despite the fact that I do know where you have your headquarters – you get a kick out of making me helpless. With my eyes covered, I have no choice but to follow you. You only let me look around after we are inside the building.

"Welcome back, Kam... What is this? The Seals' Kamui?" exclaims a blonde man wearing a pink suit. Looking like an escort of some sort, Kigai Yuuto is staring at me. I can't help feeling nervous. Then, you put your arms around me and say to Yuuto, with your tongue on my cheek:

"The Seals' Kamui has come here as my private toy. He is not to be touched."

To add more stress to your words you kiss me. At the same time you slide your hands down to my waistline and below it. You place one hand on the front of my trousers and one behind my back. Yuuto gives a laugh. I feel like I can't breathe. Your mouth tastes like blood and I know it's mine. When you break it off, I utter a faint cry to express my helplessness. Like a doll in your arms I unintentionally bend backwards, to lean on your supporting hand.

"I'll make sure no one disturbs you, then?"

You nod, amused. This blonde gigolo observes my helpless, extremely frail figure for a while. Dress me up and hold me like this, and I will look like a bride for you – this I know too well. He's probably thinking the same thing. The bruises on my face and the small cuts I have everywhere, even the visible parts of my body... He seems to be laughing at them in his silence. Devious, yet gentleman like – and quite a handful, I hear. Sorata seems to find him amusing to fight. He has nothing to do with me, this playboy. Yet he looks upon me with such knowing eyes... I wonder if you have told him what you do to me. Everyone knows it anyway. From a sudden trick of mind – I touch your hand with mine, accepting its presence.

Kigai Yuuto walks off. The way you touch me changes, from possessive to lusting. You drag me down the hall and another one of your minions meets us there.

This is the man we know as the Sakurazukamori. He seems to be ruthless and cruel, a killer with no sense of decency. I remember several occasions in which his name has come up. Those pale sakura blossoms falling everywhere... Eyes covered with black sunglasses and power too immense to win against. Subaru's nemesis, our enemy. With a cigarette between his fingers he asks you:

"What was it you said to me just before? Stop sleeping with the enemy, was it?" His question you answer with one of your own:

"Where are you off to?"

"I have similar business to attend to as you."

He inhales from his cigarette and leaves. As he walks away, his dark figure seems strangely impressive. You open the door beside us and mutter to me, amused:

"You should be grateful that I don't smoke that way."

"Why is that?" I ask, taking my jacket off. This is a bedroom. A disturbing bedroom equipped with hardly any furniture. I go on undressing myself, as you hang your coat.

"The smell probably lingers on even after he takes his suit off."

"I am used to the smell. Sumeragi Subaru smokes."

"Does he indeed..." you take a few steps towards me. I'm completely naked now, there are small scars everywhere on my body. Branded property. I don't have it in me to resist you. "You should ask him why."

This is all you're willing to say. The next thing you do is push me down onto the bed and force my arms against the sheets as well.

You crawl up my chest and indulge in binding my wrists to the posts of the bed. I can scarcely breathe – your weight on my chest area is too much for me. I'm frail and smaller than you. Coughing, I let you know it hurts. That is encouragement to you, but I cannot help it. Finally when my hands are tightly bound, you move a little, allowing me to breathe. You take the rest of your clothes off and bow down to kiss me in that violent way again.

Your tongue in my mouth... I respond with mine, completely letting go of my morals. I let you keep on kissing me, and I swallow the blood instead of coughing it up. You lie on me, bracing yourself on my tied arms and fiercely kissing me. As if you were trying to make me suffocate, with your lust. Losing myself in the act of kissing – I feel surreal. You finally move your arms, wrapping them tightly around me. Aroused and ready for it, I yelp as you take your mouth off mine to kiss my neck. Biting it.

I wish to embrace you, my hands are tied. Your arms around me are strong, their hold of me is firm as it was back then. You hold me, breaking my skin and helping yourself to my blood, some kind of sick feast. As I gasp and pant in your arms, your hunger seems to grow, and I know nothing could damage me. No cut, no strike, nothing. The sweet pain of passion runs through my veins and if I had words to speak, they would be for begging.

This would be enough in most cases... You are different. Without any intention of making love to me, you move up to compress me down, practically sitting on me. I cry and beg you to reconsider, but you just laugh in the most devious of ways:

"Do it, Kamui. I will untie you so that you can use your hands as well."

I whine and cry. You do as you said, undoing he bondage, demanding me to do it. Even if I hate it and always cough all the time, since it makes me sick – you push my head to your hip level and force me. Used to it, I pick up my shaking hands and obey you.

After what seems like an eternity, I am thrown on my back again. I cough and gag, as you descend upon me and decide to kiss me again. I still have a lot in my mouth but you don't see it as a problem. I shiver at the thought of having to taste my own – you don't even think about that. Coughing and gasping for air I break it off. Your bloody mouth smiles down on me. You turn me on my stomach and without any warning you enter me. I scream and cry out in pain, but as I was ready and welcoming just a while ago, I'm not breaking apart. After the first shock, I start feeling good about it. On that note, my heavy breath and cries, you suddenly stop all movement. I grasp the posts of the bed as you lick and cut my skin, scratching deep into my chest as well. I feel your tongue hot against my skin, teasing me. Enjoying the situation. Slowly, you grant my unspoken wish and go on.

Everything goes blank the moment you tense up inside of me. My mind darkens and my heart skips a beat, as I finally scream for the last time and fall motionless against the mattress. Under your heavy, athletic form I lie without any regrets. Some part of my heart feels the satisfaction I was always looking for.

-

Breath by breath. Second by second. One after another my restless dreams leave me alone, tormenting me no more.

I force my eyes open. I'm still lying on the bed you introduced me to, alone. You've gone to tend to your duties as my enemy. I slowly try to move my body – it aches, everywhere, and I realise it's covered in blood. I can hardly move my legs, every place below my waistline is sore, and I hesitate. I touch my inner leg with my finger just in case.

A mixture of my blood and other liquids, as I expected. I feel ashamed of myself, extremely filthy and cheap. I sit up, suddenly, and my head is spinning. The pain makes me want to throw up and I actually cough up some blood, along with something else. Acid, semen, whatever.

The room is shady. I have no idea what time it is, or even what day. You have held me hostage – no, played with my body – for an indefinite time. Hours or days, it doesn't matter. All I can think about is getting out. Now. I stumble to my feet, collapsing from the pain and because my legs are hardly able to move. Out, out of here, now, before you come back, my love. I sit on the floor in a gracefully fallen position for a while, gathering my courage. The stains on my body, the cuts and the pain – my eyes are wet. The tears wash away some of the blood on my face. Leaving miserable traces of stainless, white skin where they flow, so that I look pitifully weak.

I get up again. Standing still for a while, on my wavering legs, I fight a sudden urge to throw myself on the bed and let go of everything.

Picking up my shirt, I close my eyes. I button my shirt up, and flinch at the touch of fabric against my broken skin. The blood is still fresh, some of it at least. I feel weakened by loss of blood and being malnourished. Feeling empty, I pull my trousers back on and find my shoes. Not even bothering to close my jacket I rush out. Through the hallways, I run from you. From my destiny. My fate is to be with you, be yours. I would do anything for you, and my love is one-sided.

Different from that time.

I run away from myself, from you – by staying I would choose suffering over life. Every step is harder than the previous one, for there is nothing I want more than to say with you.

I finally reach a phone booth. Calling a friendly number... I need to hear a friendly voice.

"Sumeragi here", the voice sighs to me. Sounding out of breath.

"Subaru", I wheeze, almost crying. A silence follows. My voice seems to startle you, my friend. Then, I hear you silently saying something, not to me. "Do you have company, Subaru?"

"Don't worry about that, Kamui – are you okay?"

I can't bring myself to answer anymore. My tears keep falling, and they get more salty. More true. Hanging up, I let you return to your life. I stand in the booth for quite a while. Leaning against the phone, I try to find comfort in my memories.

-

Your hand on my cheek was so warm. The look you gave me, so loving, gentle and sad.

"I love you too", my answer to you made you smile. You held out your other hand to touch my hair, and tears kept falling down, tears of joy. Or of fear. Fearing tomorrow, I stood in your arms, inhaling your kindness, the sweet air around us. There was a strong wind, but it could hardly disturb us. Your firm arms were finally wrapped around me as you saw me shivering.

You bowed lower to kiss me, and I closed my eyes, nervous. Our lips connected under the cold sky and the fierce breeze made us move even closer to one another. Embracing each other, we stood still. I felt your muscled body shivering, it was a surreal feeling for me. My frail arms I held up to be wrapped around your neck. The sensation of your warm, carefully caressing lips on my trembling ones and the scent you emitted – it would stay with me forever. I slowly opened my lips a little. Surprised, you slid your tongue into my mouth. Hesitating, I touched it with mine. Your hands on my back were hot and shaking.

Finally breaking it off, sucking on my lower lip and breathing heavily, you looked me in the eye. My eyes were half open, half closed, and I only saw you. There was an endless silence, we were afraid to talk. At last, you opened your mouth to speak out a few words:

"Are you cold?"

I gave a nervous laugh and pressed tighter against your body. Shaking my head I smiled at you. The worry in your eyes was enough for me. I could take any frost, any tomorrow. And so I said:

"No, it's warm here with you."

I then placed my forehead against your chest and you buried your face in my hair. Without any warning, you started talking about your feelings for me.

"I always loved you", were your first words. "It was tricky at first, accepting the fact that I really cared about you so much. And you disappeared when your mother took you away. We were both devastated over both that, and the death of our mother... Me and Kotori. I never forgot about you, neither did she." You planted a kiss on my head before going on. I felt your hold of me tightening, and I really loved you with all my heart on that moment. "Then when you came back... You were a different person, with that heavy burden of yours." You held me there for a little while, and I felt safe. I wanted to be with you forever, that was the thought I had inside my head. Your hands forgotten on my back were possessive but gentle. "It's okay if you can't tell me all there is to it. Even if you don't want to tell me anything. I'm fine knowing you're here." There was another silence. I felt no remorse whatsoever. Always torn between you and your sister – I had been in a difficult position. This moment was perfect. Everything felt so right, I had no doubts, no regrets, only joy mixed with fear. "I love you so much I could stay here forever. With you."

It was a few hours later that you placed me down on the grass. It was cold, and the nightly wind was throwing our hair around and into our eyes. You kissed me, endlessly, embraced and caressed me. My lean body under yours was warm and every second was a beautiful eternity for me. You wanted me, but you didn't force me. As you opened my shirt, I cried that I was afraid. I remember the look you had in your eyes, as you gave me time to adapt.

That night will stay with me until the end of my days, and maybe even beyond the border. I felt pain, but it melted together with the heat. I had no thoughts other than those of wanting to be with you, and I gladly clung to you. My body felt like it was on fire, alive and dying in the same time. Everything about you was carved to my soul. Every inch of your skin and the pace of your breathing...

Lying in your arms, I swore to myself I would never let go. I would love you, and I would always be yours. You, Monou Fuuma, you were my true love. Your sister I loved more than most people love themselves – you I would love more than this world.

-

"Kamui!" a voice calls out to me and I wake up from my bittersweet memories. I look up, and I see you, Subaru, trying to catch your breath. "I've been looking all over for you. You sounded like you were in trouble and you certainly look that way..."

"Subaru", I sigh, and you sit down. You look at my empty-looking eyes and order us both a milkshake. Sipping mine, I give a laugh. A faint thank you escapes my lips as well.

"I am so sorry, Kamui", you say to me, holding out your hand to comfort me. "If only I had done something to..."

"It's okay. I chose him myself."

A silence follows. You stare at me with those emerald eyes, disgusted with the idea. Somehow, you seem haunted today. Even more than usual. It makes me want to ask you about your personal pain, yet I know you don't want to tell me.

"It's wrong. Love isn't always pure, Kamui, and you should just... Let it go. He's hurting you."

You fall silent, as I raise my hand. My face bruised and my lips swollen, cuts everywhere, my clothes hardly clean.

"Please stop, Subaru." My voice is firm and determined. I want to put and end to everything. In my newly born determination I reach out to pull you closer, and press my lips against yours. Cold, tightly closed – you don't respond to me. I jerk away from you and sigh. "As I thought. You and me, Subaru, we are friends."

"I know that." The look on your face is offended. You certainly did not want me to kiss you.

"Why do you smoke, Subaru?"

There's a look of awe on your face. You light up a cigarette and look out of the window. Waiting, I watch you. Somewhere in the back of my mind I sense that my skin still hurts. You rub the back of your hand and finally say:

"Because he smokes. The one I love." You give a laugh, an ironic sort of laugh. "As does the one I hate."

For a while, I think about this.

I only have love left for one person in this world. There is nothing for me here, nothing but this.

Scarcely realising I am alone again, I sit in the café, watching the city lights being lit. The cold neon lights... The stars of the soon to be renewed Earth. I have no hopes of winning against you. All I want is to make you happy – and to make you happy, I have to bring you back. The you who hurts me is not you. And yet, he is you. If I vowed to be yours, does that not mean I am his as well?

I get up and walk out to the street. It's night time and I see you standing at the corner, watching the cars go by. You look peaceful, majestic. Turning to face me, you smirk. A sick smile. You walk up to me and take my hand, saying something. All I do is stare into your eyes.

Imprisoned by the blood... Bound, held back by the darkness – you are still you. I see in your eyes the person who made me into who I am. Love is an interesting emotion... The most deceitful of them all. It makes us blind, or opens our eyes, making us the slaves of our own needs. Your eyes are different, but they have the same shape. The look on your face is different, but it looks the same.

For who you used to be, I consent to drowning in your eyes once more. Hating myself, hating you, I cast aside my soul.


End file.
